Astronomers denied entrance to Underworld

By Peter Berry,
Senior Mythological Implications Analyst

Styx, Hades. Normally, things progress smoothly at the border between the world of the living and the abode of the dead. Souls waiting for transport across the river Styx queue up, and on this reporter's several visits here in the pass, it has been a somber, almost stately affair. But today, in this time of border skirmishes, prejudice, and overly zealous customs officials, even the historically neutral Underworld is seeing its borders shaken.

A cluster of recently-deceased astronomers gather at the small pier where Charon, ferryman of the Underworld, stood. The astronomers repeatedly attempted to board Charon's boat, but were repelled by the elderly pilot.

"For the last time, you bastards can't come across!" said an irate Charon. Reached later for comment, he stated, "I've worked this job for over three thousand years now, and suddenly some upstart 'scientists' think they can insult my celestial namesake without any backlash!"

"The boss and I have spent a lot of time in the soul-tending business, we put in really long hours. And they want to take away our best publicity because of some rock with more numbers than letters in its name? Well, the boss has issued a moritorium on all astronomers until further notice."

One ghostly astronomer chuckled at the ferryman's pun, but was met with annoyed glares from his companions.

Persephone, spokeswoman for the Cthonic Anti-Defamation Society, was defensive. "The mythic figures we represent did not receive the same celestial recognition as the Olympians until 1930. Now they face further discrimination at the hands of the small, 'representative' body of the IAU. The cessation of astronomer soul-transport is our protest against their bigoted demotion of Pluto." She indicated that a lawsuit may be another possibility.

Following the IAU's announcement, Sisyphus' trademark giant stone had been replaced with a facsimile of the planet in question. Watching the ball of dirt and ice roll back to the base of the hill, the eternally cursed man shrugged and stated, "Yeah, it's a lot colder than my old stone, but I think it's a little smaller."

Pluto could not be reached for comment.

Picture of Charon by marriedtothesea.com