Point/Counterpoint: North Korea

A Point/Counterpoint that my roommate and I put in the literary paper this last week, with a special guest appearance by Colonel Tigh:

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Point: No Good Can Come of Nuclear Testing by North Korea!

By Peter Berry, Senior Slippery Slope Analyst

There can be no question that even the hint of nuclear testing by North Korea is an extremely unfortunate turn of events, both for the Pacific Rim region and for the world. But amidst the obvious political and military implications of a rogue state with nuclear capabilities, we have forgotten one very important wild card in the situation: Godzilla.

Have we learned nothing since the dawn of the nuclear era? It was a mere 52 years ago when Godzilla first awakened from his watery somnolence in response to – you guessed it – a nuclear bomb.

There has been plenty of time to prepare for the reemergence of this menace – numerous military simulations have been carried out, cleverly disguised as poorly-dubbed cinematic releases, and the “Gojira” scenario (now a staple of game theory, according to our Professor Emeritus of Gaming, Maxwell Parrish) has been applied not only to Japan, but also in a revolutionary test case in New York. In spite of this extensive analysis, however, world militaries are still not equipped to deal with the giant, vaguely anthropomorphic menaces that wait insidiously off the coast of Japan. The Green Ranger’s Godzilla-mimicking Dragonzord is only 47.3% complete, and South Korea’s revolutionary “Mothra-ball™” anti-air defense is still only in its planning stages. And now, in the face of this gross negligence on the part of the world’s militaries, someone is tempting the fire-breathing, awkwardly animated hand of God.

And is it really any coincidence that “Godzilla” starts with “God”? No. Occult studies carried out in bunkers deep beneath Leighton indicate that Godzilla is almost certainly the wrathful avatar of the cruel, reptilian god “Reptar.” According to Occult Specialist P. Douglas Wieben, “Godzilla appears to be the 4^th incarnation of Reptar, a terrifying deity whose true name would case my mouth to implode if I were to even attempt to pronounce it. Reptar’s principal concerns in this plane of existence appear to be string cheese, painful dental surgery, and the maintenance of atomic integrity. As you might guess, he’s not a big fan of nuclear weapons.”

“Also, excited electrons are a carnal sins in the eyes of Reptar,” Wieben added.

So today, friends and colleagues, we stand at a historic crossroads – do we make a stand and force North Korea to cease this dangerous course of action, or do we resign ourselves to a fiery destruction of Tokyo the likes of which has only been seen 23 times on the big screen? The choice is ours.

Counterpoint: Tons of Good Can Come of Nuclear Testing by North Korea!

By Captain 1^st Class Cary Tiernan, Head of Long-Division Death Squad, 2^nd Army

While North Korea’s confirmed possession of nuclear weapons is a grave concern for the whole world, there are some positive repercussions. As one of the most diplomatically and economically isolated states in the world, no one is safe when, with the push of a button, Kim Jong Il can rock the world security and economic order to its core. While this may be true, every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

Japan has recently developed a heretofore unknown light, incredibly durable alloy known only as “Gundanium.” This gundanium would be ideal in a future Japanese heavy armor division. With the threat of Korean aggression looming, the Prime Minister and his cabinet have taken steps to bolster their forces in kind. In fact, recent talks between the Japanese National Defense Force and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, Ltd. as have been stated as “fruitful” by both parties. The cornerstone of any such partnership between Japan and Mitsubishi would be the research and development of a Mobile Suit made primarily from gundanium. At completion, these human-shaped “Gundams” would be approximately 10 stories tall, move up to 100 km per hour, and have awesome laser cannons attached to their heads.

As I am sure you all are aware, giant robots with laser cannons are pretty damn cool. But, to dissuade any potential critics, I have assembled a crack team of fifth graders who, trained in the long-lost art of long division, have calculated that every Gundam produced has a 300% chance of being frickin’ sweet. On top of that, Swankologist Brandon Root estimates that a fully operational gundam might supplant Walldrug and gain the much-coveted title “The Niftiest Thing Since Free Icewater.” If this is indeed the case, giving an unstable dictator the most destructive weapon known to man is, in this writer’s opinion, a small price to pay for giant robotic samurai and, soon afterwards, giant robotic Kim Jong Ils.

Incontinent Point: No Sissies!

By Colonel Saul Tigh, Coloniel Officer and De Facto Resistance Leader of New Caprica

What are you all, a bunch of cry-babies? This isn’t a game of patty-cake we’re playing here. This is war! People die in war! Good people. Nice people. Do you think the Cylons thought twice when they vaporized 50 billion innocent souls? Pretty soon we aren’t gonna have anything to throw at the Cylons except rocks! Those metal bastards don’t have any limits! Why should we?! It’s about frackin’ time someone showed those chrome sons-of-bitches a thing or two! And in case any of you are wondering, the eye is gone. They plucked it straight out of my skull, picked it up and showed it to me. Looked like a hard-boiled egg. Frackin’ bastards. Where’s that bottle? I haven’t had a frackin’ drink in four frackin’ months. {sip} Ahhh! That’s the stuff! You know, when I look at you sops, sometimes I think you’ve got ice water in your veins and other times I think you’re a bunch of sad puppies. There are no sissies in this outfit, mister! We're on the side of the demons. We're evil men in the gardens of paradise, sent by the forces of death to spread devastation and destruction wherever we go. I'm surprised you didn't know that. No sissies!